


i'm searching for something that i can't reach

by justanoverobsessivefangirl



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Clexa, F/F, Gen, Implied Smut, Implied/Referenced Depression, i don't know how to tag, i guess, implied/referenced loneliness, post 2x16, pre 3x01
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-27
Updated: 2015-12-27
Packaged: 2018-05-09 16:19:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5547020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justanoverobsessivefangirl/pseuds/justanoverobsessivefangirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>clarke and lexa have emotional baggage but it's okay</p>
            </blockquote>





	i'm searching for something that i can't reach

**Author's Note:**

> hey so i wrote this while sick on my phone so sorry if there are any mistakes
> 
> title from halsey's song _ghost_

_i._

_alone was a strange word,_ clarke thought. it had too many negative emotional connotations - that she was unhappy, that she wished she wasn't alone - that weren't necessarily true. perhaps alone wasn't the best word for it. she's not unhappy (just empty. betrayed. _alone._ ); she doesn't wish she wasn't alone (oh, but she does). unaccompanied would be a better word, as she is not in the presence of another. (she's _alone alone alone._ ) but she's not alone - she has herself. (and she always will.) 

(she can't be alone if it was her choice, can she? she could have stayed; she could have chosen not to be alone. but _she didn't she didn't she didn't_ and now she's _alone alone alone all alone._ ) 

(no matter how much she denies it, she is alone.) 

_ii._

_regret was a strange word,_ lexa thought. it had too many negative implications - that she wished she hadn't, that it was the wrong choice - that aren't necessarily true. (she is glad she made that choice; it was the right one.) perhaps regret wasn't the best word for it. concerned - about the repercussions of her actions for the others - was a better word for it, as she did not regret the choice she made (it was the right one - _wasn't it?_ ), but she is worried about the others. she doesn't regret anything - it was the right choice. (just because it was right doesn't mean it was good, though.) 

(she can't regret it if it was her choice, can she? she could have chosen differently, could have chosen a different path to follow. but _she didn't she didn't she didn't_ and now she regrets it.) 

( _are they alright? what has my decision done to them? is it my fault?_ ) 

(no matter how much she denies it, she regrets her choice. it was the right choice for her people - _i saved them, didn't i?_ \- but not a good one. and she will have to live with that.) 

(head over heart, though, right? she's not sure that she believes that anymore.) 

( _i'm sorr_ y) 

_iii._

_anger was a strange word,_ clarke thought. it had too many negative connotations - hatred, misunderstanding, unforgiving - that aren't necessarily true. perhaps angry wasn't the best word for it. tired - too tired to be angry, too tired to hate, too tired to harbor resentment - was a better word for it, as she hasn't the energy to hold things in the palms of her hands. 

(she watches as everything slips between her fingers. _why can't i hold on?_ ) 

(she can't be angry if she would have made the same choice, can she? how can she blame the girl if they are one and the same? hating the other would be the same as hating herself.) 

(she does hate herself, though. oh, she does. she's killed too many, seen too much, to do anything but hate herself. but she cannot hate the other girl.) 

(and in the end, she's not angry.) 

_iv._

_apologies are strange things,_ lexa thinks. she's tripping over words that have so much power (how did mere words become so strong?); she's spilling sentences from chapped lips and dry mouths. she braces herself for anger, for hatred, for resentment, for harsh words flying out of mouths, for a sting on her cheek, for anything. but nothing comes, as clarke is not angry. 

(apologies may be strange, but forgiveness is even stranger.)

(now all that's left is for her to forgive herself.) 

_v._

_acceptance was a strange thing,_ both clarke and lexa thought. it didn't come overnight, and there wasn't a morning when they woke up and decided that they were alright. (because really? they're not alright. they've both seen too much, done too much, killed too much. and that's alright, in the end.) it was long, and it was hard. but in the end, they were okay. (not all the time, of course. sometimes the pain would come back and clarke would wake up screaming for the innocent lives she'd taken; sometimes the memories would return to haunt and lexa would wake up with tears on her face thinking that she'd lost the girl beside her. but that's alright. they helped each other to be alright again.) 

and in the end, lexa accepted the choices she'd made and clarke accepted the things that she'd done. they accepted themselves, and each other. 

_vi._

_love is a strange thing,_ both clarke and lexa thought. it crept up on you when you were least expecting it (head over heart, right?).

(in the end, lexa decided that she should let her heart have a say in making decisions too.) 

and that night, the moon shined brighter than either of them had ever seen before, illuminating bare skin for each other to worship underneath the flimsy cover of the trees.

and they were okay. 

~

_the end_

**Author's Note:**

> hope u liked it!! pls let me know what u thought ily 
> 
> also come holler into the void with me any time i'm always up for that


End file.
